So since Jay-Z came out with "Excuse Me Miss," The term "Grown and Sexy" has been thrown around more than Karrine Stephens backstage at the BET awards. If you're throwing a party, it's for the Grown and Sexy. If you got a car that's a sedan but not a lowrider or a Donk, it's grown and sexy. You went and bought a shirt that's not a XXXXXLT white tee, you guessed it, grown and sexy. Grown and Sexy has kind of turned into our generation's "Whoomp, there it is." Ironically enough, the most frequent overusers of this phrase seem to be 23 year olds whose parents still pay their car insurance. When I go to these grown and sexy parties, all I see are people in overdone tacky outfits who are trying to look too hard like they're balling. So since I clearly don't understand the accepted social definition of Grown and Sexy, I'll provide my own list of Grown man shit: 1. I don't have to drink Moet out of the bottle at the club. I don't even like Moet. It's too sweet for my taste. And I don't feel the need to pay triple the liquor store rate to do what looked cool in rap videos in '93. As a High school Sophomore, that looked like the life, now the shit looks ridiculous. Especially, if you drive away from the club in a Kia. Get a table, get some pretty girls, and you usually don't have to pay extra to get some glasses. If I'm going to drink out of the bottle, it'll be at home with some Veuve Cliquot and I'll be pouring the rest down the small of some cute girl's back.
2. I reserve the right to slap the shit out of people who think they're being cultured by calling Moet "Mo-way." That's not how it's pronounced. I know words in French ending in -et typically are pronounced "ay" This is an exception. You sound so stupid, it's not funny.
3. I've learned how to bribe people. I don't have to stand outside milling around the entrance of some spot trying to lie to the doorman about who I know and how much I'm going to spend inside the club. I'm not going to get pissed when there are a hundred other people waiting for the valet to return their car. I just slip the appropriate bill in dude's hand in some kind of convoluted dap as I quietly mention that I'll take care of him. I can always make more money. I don't want one more second of my life than necessary wasted waiting for some shit.
4. If you don't want to talk to me, I'm not gonna get mad. My little display of "fuck you bitch" or "You ain't that cute anyway" I realize is not going to get me any closer to what I want, so I'll just refrain. I don't know why you're not interested. Frankly, I don't care that much. Whatever the reason, that reason might have vanished or been locked up for a few months, so I'm not going to cut down my success ratio with you and the rest of the girls who are watching by showing my ass.
5. If after I buy you a drink, you try to order one for your homegirl too, I'm not gonna get mad and call you a gold-digger. I'm just going to motion to my bartender that you're not on my tab, and keep it moving. I do reserve the right to talk about your triflin' ass to whoever will listen, however.
6. If the shit says black tie, I'll wear a black tie. Not one of them extra short, fat-knotted pink and yellow Murakami Louis Vuitton ones. Save that shit for the BET awards. This is not reflective of minority events however, because at an African American black tie event, you're almost guaranteed never to be the worst dressed person there. I once went to a BET holiday party and I shit you not, one dude had a leather tuxedo and a rhinestone tie on.
7. I still sag my shit, but if I lift my shirt all the way, you shouldn't be able to see any leg-skin between my drawers and my belt loop. That's just ridiculous.
8. I don't wear sunglasses on inside unless I'm high. That shit looks stupid.
9. I'm not gonna spend a lot of time talking shit and bucking up because one of us brushed past the other a litle too hard. Either one of us should apologize and the other accept it, or someone needs to take a swing. All them words are wasted energy that could be used toward finding a threesome to cap off the night.
10. I tip appropriately. I might want to come back one day
11. I find out the bartender's name early in the evening and hook them up a little extra up front. A lot easier to grab a drink that way then by pounding on the counter and yelling, "Slim, what's up wit my Hennessy?"
12. I ain't paying sixty to get in. That could go to my Scottrade account or a good steak. I'll just come back next week with my little get in free before 11:00 email printout and party with the same exact people for the freesky.
13. More than three buttons on a suit is never appropriate. A square toe two inches wide with a suit is never appropriate. If Slim Thug has a blue Impala the same color as that suit and shoe combination, it's not appropriate.
14. I don't yell "Balllin'" and do the little jump shot dance because I got table service. Warren Buffett is ballin'. I'm just paying a little extra for the convenience of not having to fight through the crowd to get a drink from the bar every time I want one.
15. That .75 carats of flawed fucked up ice in your watch bezel ain't fooling no one. Either save up for the real shit or just get a moderately priced tasteful watch. All your ass is doing is contributing to the misery of one more African in Sierra Leone.
16. My business has revenues, a tax Id, and a business plan. You ain't the CEO of shit if all you have is a cool un-trademarked name and a website with "coming soon" plastered all over it.
17. I give money to my alma mater, savings account, and candidate that I want to win. Money talks, bullshit walks. And complaining about how bad politicians are or how they need to build some new dorms is bullshit. Do your part to make it better.
18. I don't try and act sophisticated by telling people that you should eat red wine with meat and white with fish. Drink whatever the hell you like.
19. If no one's paying y'all to appear in their ads, magazines, fashion shows, etc., I will not refer to you or your homegirls as models. You're recreational picture-takers. If someone is paying you, I give you all the credit in the world because most girls never even get close.
20. I don't have to lie to get ass. I'll show you what I got and you make up your own mind. If I tell you what's what and you're not down, cool. Saves me the stalker experience two months from now. My tires are twenty-inch Z-rated Run-flat Goodyears. I do not know how much they cost and I do not plan to prematurely find out because I fooled you into fucking and now you're vindictive. And handy with a boxcutter.
Let us know what you think and/or would add to this list?
23 Comentários:
Damn that was on point.
When'd you take the time to make this list, homie??? Well, you know I agree with quite a bit of it. Stuntin's never been a habit of mine at all. We'd like to think a lotta this stuff is common sense, but after seeing the shit I done seen in the party scene down here (Dallas), it aint so common, please believe.
I don't want to see old school's with Tropicana and Skittles logos all over it! Dude, you are NOT getting paid for promo. Can you imagine him picking a corporate girl up from work in that thing?
I should add #21..."It ain't tricking if you got it." YES YOU FOOL, TRICKING IS TRICKING!!!
-Ed.
Excellent list. Everything's on point, even if I do still rock my shades in the club on the rarest of occasions....sometimes I just want to feel Hollywood
My definition of stuntin has always been that it's a of show of prosperity that the stunter probably can't replicate on a regular basis. For example popping bottles right after you get your income tax check, which is dumb as hell especially when you consider that most don't really understand how taxes work, but i digress. I think stuntin is cool sometimes, like on your birthday or you just got a promotion or something and your with friends, but stuntin cause it's Thursday is not cool or fiscally responsible. One thing I don't like at clubs are the anti-stunters either. Trying hard to look like their not having fun, whats the point of going out if your not going to have fun? My rule of thumb is that stuntin should come from the heart, not because you want to impress people, but because you genuinely find whatever your doing enjoyable. When I get home from Iraq you'll definitely catch me in the spot poppin a bottle or two, not to impress, but to celebrate!
Hilarious and ridiculously on point!
WOW! I'm speechless cuz this is funny as hell and I can vividly imagine Ed spewing all this during one of his simply hilarious outbursts of irritation HAHAHA
@mdubb
poppin on homie, coming home from Iraq is definitely a pop bottles reason.
Don't forget to check out edthesportsfan.com for your sporting needs.
Cee whole up papi y i gotta b triflin if i orders drinks 4 my ppls.dont act like u got it if u dont.dont try 2 impress me wit dollars if u on a small time budget.if u apporach me like dat u needs 2 impress my hole street fam. Sexy Divas Unlimited LLC. hoffa coming 2 a city near u.we real models doing real things.u better recongize.u lucky i even entertained dat ass.if u gonna come, come korrect or get played.ur list is massive wack.who died n made you allah?ur a wankster.im outties
SMTT you are a hoe, easily bought by a couple of free drinks. A sexy Diva would have her own money to pop bottles and isn't beat fo' silly American Fuckery (whatup shottas). Your face is wack. Who made me allah, if you were really on your lessons you wouldn't be drinking in the first place.
LOL Bad McFly for coming at that poor girl's neck like that. SMTT, if you are getting drinks for the whole crew at least make the crew talk to the guy and show him some attention and love. The drinks are seen as a way to impress/get in good with the crew so that they aren't hating and cockblocking. Personally, I dont do it, but for those less fortunate looking brothers out there, make sure the ends justify the means!
SexyMamaTingTing...it's been a hot mintue since I've had to pull out a English to "pick a language" book to translate some s#*! but your comment forced me to. It took me a minute to even figure out what language you were using to pop off at the mouth, but I figured it out and here's my response... stop embarassing yourself. Wasn't nothing you said either sexy or diva. I am not picturing a bunch of models running around...I'm seeing 5 inch clear heels and you giving lap dances for drinks. You need to keep it moving...and let the real divas keep it real.
Now that's a list you need to circulate - tell them how it should be done.
See, I had a bad day at the office. I was pissed off, and wanted to pimp slap someone. mrsFAB was that angry.
Then I come to this site, read this post, and the comments. Hell I forgot about that 'ish' at work already!
I love this list!
Especially #16:
"My business has revenues, a tax Id, and a business plan. You ain't the CEO of shit if all you have is a cool un-trademarked name and a website with "coming soon" plastered all over it." *checks the FABexperience*
And "First Lady" I blame you for the headache that I have right now, from laughing so hard at your comment. stayFAB!
You know what readers, I did something wrong today. I called a woman a hoe and eventhough she was in the wrong, that's outside of my nature. So SMTT I apologize for those statements.
Damn did every1 drink their haterade this morning?what happened 2 live and let live?seems like every1 is a little 2 concerned about what the next person is doing.
I whole heartedly agree with damn near everything on this list. I never got the purpose of paying $300 dollars at a club for a $60 dollar bottle of Goose? Nor do I understand extravagant covers.. I refuse to pay covers when I have to buy drinks.. and YES, I go out with the assumption I will be buying my own drinks. It's nice if someone buys me one, but I don't expect it.
This list is about to be widely circulated, thank you.
I just don't understand why these so called men don't realize, to a smart woman, having poor money management skills is extremely unattractive. Even if you "got money" like that, you clearly don't intend on keeping it long.
the list is great! and i agree with Katchin, if you have money like that i would much rather see you invest it or do something worth while with it, as opposed to poppin bottles. its really not cute when guys try to front like they got what they dont or lie to get a girl in bed.. like Ed said you do that and you might find out the girl is handy with a box blade or a baseball bat (happens more than one would think.
great post
Ed, great post. This is something Black people need to adhere to, because we go out somewhere and act like we done won the damn lottery. LOL. I, for one don't go clubbin much, because the scene is extra tiresome. I did all my clubbin my first year of college, and I'm dang near 30 with children... WHACK. The clubbin every weekend thing is for children who have nothing else better to do. Anyway, men do really need to stop frontin like they are really doing something. NEWSFLASH: YOU AREN'T. Everything is supposed to be done in moderation, but some just take it too far. When you are spending way too much money to get in a club, or on some drinks that leave you with nothing but a hangover, YA NEED YA ASS KICKED!
SMTT a real diva would know that your "business" can't be both unlimited and LLC... check yourself
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