I was having a conversation with someone the other day on a topic that pervades the minds of all of us…cheating. This person was married for 24 years to someone that cheated at least 3 times. Apparently third time was a charm and the marriage finally ended. They remain civil and have had conversations about the infidelity since then and every time the answer to the question why is “it wasn’t about me not loving you or being attracted to you…it was about some connection I had with that person that I didn’t have with you.” The topic of cheating has been debated for decades, and who among us has not been cheated on at least once or been the one doing the cheating at one point in time?I remember someone that I was dating made a very public statement about our relationship once…and by that I mean a quote in the newspaper that said he lost a track meet because “God was punishing me for having pre-marital sex.” I was out of town at the time and when I returned, I was made aware of this quote from friends that had read the article. Knowing that we were dating, they all said, “I read about you in the paper.” I had no idea what they were talking about until I read the article myself. Naturally, I lit into his a$$ for putting our business in front street for anyone (including my parents) to read. His response – “Just tell everyone I cheated on you.” Like that was an okay and acceptable explanation.
I have always been of the belief that everyone has the capacity to cheat if they find someone else that they connect with on a level that's different than the connection they have with the person they are with. The last person I dated strongly disagreed with that viewpoint. He said that if you love someone, you would never cheat because cheating means you don’t really love that person. And wouldn’t you know it, one drunken evening, he made out with some random female when he was out of town for the weekend with his boys. After he told me about it, the first thing I said to him was “do you love me any less now?”
The fact of the matter is temptation is a b$%@h, but everyone has choices to make. I still believe that everyone has the capacity to cheat, but most importantly, I believe that those that don’t cheat believe they are more vulnerable to fall into the trap and cheat…my last boyfriend being a prime example. So tell me what you think – why do people cheat? What would you do if you were cheated on by the one person you loved most in the world – would that be “game time next” or would you be willing to forgive…once?
17 Comentários:
I want to start commenting here more often.
Anyways, I was in a relationship with someone for 19 months. During the last week of our relationship we got into an argument where two police had to intervene. One of the officers flat out asked him if he was cheating and he said no, his ass was lying. Anyways, I digress...that made me think of Steve Harvey. Steve said his wife could catch him mid thrust with his social tatted on his @ss and he would deny it was him because he loves her and wouldn't wanna cause such hurt and pain. I think that's bull because if you love someone you'd keep your d!ck in your pants. Thereby, the nect time someone cheats on me they're out. I can't do it because once the trust is broken it's almost irreversible.
Cheating such an interesting topic. It's like discussing the point at which life begins; (I'm a nerd, indulge me)just so many different points of view, none of which are totally right or totally wrong. There are no logical reasons to cheat. If you're not happy in the relationship that you're in change it or get out of it. Real Simple.
People cheat because they are not able to separate their wants from their needs while in a relationship. Y'all probably heard of the 80-20 rule from the Tyler Perry movie, well cheating is more like having 100% (Needs) and going after that 20% (Wants) so that you can have that 120% (which is all that you need and some of your wants). Therefore, A cheater is selfish. A cheater may get something new from the person they cheat with, believing 'I need this in my life'. If they really needed it, why didn't they just tell their partner? Unless deep down they know that they're just giving into temptation. This explains why cheater always sneak around to get it.
If someone cheated on me, I wouldn't forgive them for the reasons above and because their character is weak. Besides the lies and the break in trust, I can't be with someone who doesn't have willpower over temptations. How will they be able to handle what life throws at them?
@Jem, thank you for commenting and please continue. If ya'll are getting cops called on you then it has crossed the line and you need to check other options
@t.marie, i understand and partially agree with everything you said but remember if you don't actually have proof then give your man the benefit of the doubt, reality and perception are not always the same
Good morning all,
First and foremost, First Lady, great post. My perspective is a little different. I have been married for 3 years but my bride and I have been together for a total of 9 years. Cheating is so multi-faceted. It is can be cut and dry or very complex. In my experience, people cheat beacause:
1 - Immaturity
Face it, when you are in a committed relationship, it means that you are with one person only. You make the choice to be exclusive and you must hold steadfast to that choice. If you are not mature enough to be in a relationship, keep it real and just date.
2 - Poor communication
Couples forget to talk and share feelings. When you find an outsider to convey your feelings with, BIG Problem. If you have a sex drought, you need to talk about it. If you are not spending quality time together, talk about it. Most people want sex/quality time with the person they love but will settle for it from the person who is willing to give it
3 - Rough Patches
Every couple goes through it. Steady arguments. In these times, the temptation is the greatest because you begin to think that the grass is greener on the other side. It's not but it is hard to see that during the storm.
When we were dating, we read the Five Love Langauges by Gary Chapman. Great book for couples and communication. Help avoid some of the pitfalls
I have mixed feelings about cheating.I believe that sometimes we may drive our SOs to cheat by "neglecting" them or their needs.That doesnt make it right, but it makes it more understandable.I think if both parties are willing, then that can be resolved.But you have 2 be man or woman enough to admit your part.However, if some1 is fulfilling all of their said "relationship obligations", and everything is good or your perpetrating as such, then cheating is dead arse wrong.This would all be avoided if ppl were honest with themselves and their SOs about who they are and what they want. Every1 isnt a relationship person, and theres nothing wrong with that.When your honest with some1 about the situation, and they decide to stay, then thats a personal issue 4 them.
Great post, First Lady.
In my opinion, cheating can take on a variety of forms. Some people automatically link sex to cheating, but there are other forms. What if your significant other is sharing their thoughts, soul, and matters of the heart with another person that isn't you??? Isn't that more damaging than someone sleeping with someone else, due to pure lust, selfishness, greed, horniness, etc???
Honestly, if I am in a relationship, and my old lady sleeps with another dude, I can let that ride, but the minute she gives the parts of her to someone else that made me fall for her in the first place (her mind and soul, not her body), it would be much harder to make it work, and I'd probably have to move around.
I agree wit Soulonice on this one, the soul is what anchors a relationship, once detach that and leave port, your gone
I believe there are many reasons for cheating, varying from not getting support at home to boredom to "just can't help it."
I have never cheated and feel pretty strongly that I won't. I'm an extremely loyal person, and expect the same on my behalf.
If my man cheated on me (single now though), I'd leave his arse... If I had the temptation to cheat on him I'd leave his arse. There are simply too many diseases/baby mamas/ and what have you going around to even risk it... Plus if we are not married, walking away is so much easier. I want our foundation ROCK SOLID where there is no room for anybody to break in.
Now marriage is another story, I've heard that you do things quite differently then, but I"m not there, so I can't say.
Soulonice...I found your comment very interesting as I was just having a discussion with one of my guy friends on this subject a few weeks ago and he said something similiar. I think it is interesting that men seem to think that a woman cheats when she makes an emotional connection with a guy and women think that cheating involves some sort of sexual act from their guy.
While I don't fully agree with that concept...I understand (it's about the fact that women are emotional and men are visual). But for me...I actually think both can be cheating because if you are giving your heart, soul, and pieces of yourself to another person that is not your SO, you have emotional detached yourself and therefore, you are no longer in the relationship. And if you engage in a sexual act with someone else...nuff said!!
I think it is an interesting discussion, because everyone will have their opinions on the matter -and when it comes to matters of the heart and emtions - you can't tell someone they are wrong. A person's feelings can never be wrong.
I really want to comment to each comment because everyone has had very interesting things to say. Here's my 2 cents... whether it is physical or emotional, it is cheating. Period. I don't believe in cheating, have never cheated, and have no true evidence that I've ever been cheated on. However, I think like a lot of people have said, it's about weakness and selfishness and I neither of those reasons are understandable or forgiveable. I agree with T.Marie...if you don't think you can be faithful, talk about the issues or just end the relationship. It really is that simple. People want to make it more complicated, but it's really not. And to anyone thinks that if it's just physical it's more forgiveable... my comment to that is there is obviously not a strong emotional or mental bind. When you're in love with someone with your mind, body, and soul, you don't even look sideways at someone else.
Preach the dutchess, preach! Cheating is cheating. The more complex we make the definition, the more likely a cheater will get away with they actions, on a technicality.
Some of the comments above got me thinking, should you and your partner have the same view on cheating in order for it to work? Should you be able to expect the judgment from them, ie no surprise?
Wow I like your page alot Cheater!!
Hmmm I'm torn about the issue of cheating. I agree that its wrong and should be avoided, but I think alot of folks are in angelic costumes around here. "You should just tell your partner about your desire to cheat, and cut off the relationship" ....well what if you are just really attracted to this new chick but are satisfied in your relationship?? Sometimes ppl just want something new to look at/feel up on.
Let's be real here, ppl are driven by self-interest and telling on urself is not in your own best interest. Cheating is selfish, so I'm supposed to believe that when Cindy/Tyrone hollers at you and you are smitten and intrigued, you'll really go and tell your SO that it's a wrap?
There are no what-ifs Fly Guy... that's a cheater's statement.
The what-if is in response to this angelic sentiment that all these kind-hearted, full disclosure folks will quickly drop their current SO to explore this intriguing new person. Im asking what happens if they still like their SO.
I know ppl, and ppl don't come clean on things like this.
I was married (legally, still am) and the first time I opted to give it a chance and go to counseling. The 2nd time (while we were in counseling) was a complete deal breaker.
Cheating is a selfish act. Along with the actual act of cheating generally comes neglect, lies, and a bunch of assorted drama.
I don't understand some of ya'llz responses. Cheating is unforgivable. When u give a piece of yourself...a piece of your heart, cheating is like stomping on your entire being. There no exceptions for cheating just like violence in a relationship; NO EXCEPTIONS. Once it occurs, I say "Peace to the East" cuz I don't have time 4 it. My husband is out there looking for me and can't deal with the cheaters in the world. I refuse to let that happen.
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